Every change in itself represents a stress capable of destabilizing us and, therefore, it requires the finding of a new balance that allows us to better face the difficulties with which we will still have to measure. These are moments of particular fragility, and it is strategic to be able to cope with them in the best way to be able to recover as soon as possible, in addition to learning how to treasure critical moments so that, if they reappear, it is easier to cross them.
A crucial point that we must strive to pursue is that of not neglecting and letting go, but taking care of ourselves during the whole period of prostration. There are many ways to take care of yourself, starting with the small attentions you need to dedicate yourself to the bigger and more challenging projects.
Making a positive decision instead of a negative can make the difference in these moments:
choosing something that will comfort us rather than throw us further down can help us to cross the dividing line between those who succumb to pain and those who attack the crisis by creating a change in the direction of those who decide to live (or survive).
Being attentive to yourself
can mean, as I mentioned a little while ago, to consult a good doctor, take care of your body (massage, hairdresser, beautician, etc) start a psychological journey, go to see an exhibition or a film that we like, make a gift, attend friends and relatives.
Building a support network
it is essential not to feel alone but to be supported and encouraged by people who are more or less important to us. Friends, relatives, acquaintances, neighbors, family members, can all be precious elements. An idea can be to draw up a list containing the names of all these people and organize themselves so that in turn you can stay a bit with each one.
Put death in the right place in our memory
The place where death can be placed is found after experiencing and traversing all the painful emotions that the episode inspires. If you do not live them but you reject them, you avoid pain but only at first: it is an illusory well-being that hides an unprepared pain which, at the next painful event, risks activating itself with a good share of additional interests.
Create your own separation rituals.
It is important to make a symbolic sense at the end of a phase and at the beginning of a new phase. The rituals practiced years ago (such as the wake and the extreme greeting to the deceased) are now much less common and this is a shame because they were partially reparative of the loss, allowed to better mentalize the event and become aware of facilitating the processing. Anne Ancelin Schutzenberger, in her book "Coming Out of Mourning" provides some interesting insights in this regard: "The ceremony must have the greatest possible meaning for the family; it is important that the relatives do something to become the protagonists of the funeral. Bringing a design, a poem (for a child) or flowers from your garden means creating a personalized separation ritual. (...) Many people regret not having done something that was done at that time, or not having been present at the time of separation. In this case it is possible to perform, immediately or later, what psychotherapists (...) call a "surplus of realism": symbolically represents farewell or separation. "
Allow yourself 4 pleasures a day
It is important to indulge in some pleasure without feeling guilty: do not stop time in the name of the deceased, but try to reactivate your own engine to live for those who are no longer there. You can make a list of what we like (even small gestures) and check every day to make at least 4 activities included in this list.
Errors not to be committed
This point is aimed above all at those close to bereaved people and concerns, in general, the discourse of not giving advice to those who do not ask them. We avoid providing words of consoling clumsy because they can hurt a lot and remain etched in the mind of those who receive them for a long time. Here is a selection of phrases that it is best to avoid saying: "You'll see, you'll come out", "you have to make a new life", "in time everything will come back", "you've known it so little ... it's not like losing a child as happened to me "," do not worry and think about a new pregnancy "," You have no right to show your sadness in front of your children ". If you do not know what to say better keep quiet: a silent but close person can still produce a beneficial effect. Rather than speaking for sentences, it is better to simply admit our dismay and inability to say something, while recognizing the pain that the event causes in us and the emotional closeness to the suffering: "it's so terrible that I do not know what to say, but I feel that I am very close to you and if you need something, it counts on me ".